IM SO OVER IT
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what I really want to do
Work two jobs and get my own place and car. But instead imma just stay in school and finish this nursing. School I have a love hate thing with it......however its depressing to think about the hours my ass have to sit in a desk look at boring ass papers to study and oh the glorious test test test! *sarcasm* this is alot to be a RN to apply to a school that mostly will quickly accept whites while blacks got work 3x as hard to get their ass in there.......I just love being black *sarcasm* anywho decisions decisioms.......I will try to do acceptionably goid I guess and hope to get in but I doubt it.....nursing school is highly competitive......I shuda picked another major...like engineering. I cant wait until I get my liscence and car I need to keep myself dumb busy. I want barely no time for people, relationships, hanging out, going out, facebook, instagram, whatever.
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DAY ONE: heart break
Im just going to blog for a minute. I started off crying in tears and after a million calls, voicemails, and textes.....I decided to let him go PERIOD so much so I dont even want that 20 he owe me. I woke up feeling a bit better and less heart broken den before. Im up here researching on how to get the best out
Of relationship s cause what I learned today is never again will I let my walls down because whatever the outcome im getting SOME BENEFIT out of I wont be left with the short end of the stick. Im not going to share my game plan cause thats too much info but I will share I am going to be alot more integrationalist, we are the world fasad, and im am going to get plastic surgery and get fit. Imma need an internally loved big hips and butt but not so big that only black men would want me. Im getting my shit together. P.S. a step closer
Of relationship s cause what I learned today is never again will I let my walls down because whatever the outcome im getting SOME BENEFIT out of I wont be left with the short end of the stick. Im not going to share my game plan cause thats too much info but I will share I am going to be alot more integrationalist, we are the world fasad, and im am going to get plastic surgery and get fit. Imma need an internally loved big hips and butt but not so big that only black men would want me. Im getting my shit together. P.S. a step closer
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Series of Unfortunate Events; A sign?
Then our very last fight, when I was telling him everything about himself, and how I was not about to to treat a man good, if he aint shit, and aint got me like I would have him. And a whole heap of other shit. This nigga left, and was suppose to be heading to work, but he surprisingly came home at 1:48am....(i was really shocked)...and he was smelling like STRONG liquior and weed. Its strange because he hasnt really been out the house or indulged hisself in liquior like dat when we was together, and he was even talking about quitting but oddly he started it again....back to the old him. But after that fight i decided to leave and not waste any more time. And was filled with anger and disappointment that he had me go through all this moving and signing a lease for him to act the way he did. Im still lost like WHO waste they own money and time for a chick they dont like or dont care about. I wish he wouldve told me he wanted to go back to his old valueless immoralistic pointless ways, because we couldve been friends or just completely broken up and he couldve saved his money, and me my good credit and clean background with housing, and my time. but thats life.
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Pregnancy Mayhem 101
I must say I hate the extreme emotionalism in pregnancy like: my depression, hate my baby daddy, then i miss my baby daddy(which i am not understanding my body on that because he is no good), low energy feelings, always want to sleep....... I still need to start making my appointments because i need to check up on the progress of the baby, and get prenatal care. Although, I am strongly wanting an abortion, something is pulling me to keep it oddly. So now i am just stoic about this pregnancy you can say.
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I am so over it
I must admit I am very shocked I am over my baby daddy so damn quick! I would have to say still he is the longest time frame I have ever gotten over a dude. I am so serious it usually takes me a day, or less than a day to get over a dude. After our breakup it took two, this the third day and I am over him, so I know tomorrow its really a wrap for him cause I will be completely detoxed from him mentally and physically. It is funny because some people even after a breakup still have a little love or attraction to the person they left or left them. For me, not so, once I am over someone there is no regaining, or resurface of feelings I can reapper like it is literally lost. Weirdly, I dont know how that is but it be that way for me. All the guys I have ever had a little feelings for , once I lost them, them fuckers never came back lol. They touch do not have the same effect on me, hearing they voice dont, the conversation doesnt move me anymore, I mean alot of things change.
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Idiot Americans and Propaganda
Before I start this off I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBIC....i have gay musicians that i like, and i talk to gays, and even love the way some trannies do their hair, makeup, and style of dress. HOWEVER I REFUSE TO CALL SOMETHING NATURAL OR NORMAL THAT TO ME IS OBVIOUSLY NOT. DO I THINK SOME MAY HAVE BEEN MOLESTED BY SAME SEX? SOME ARE BEING BI/GAY BECAUSE ITS A TREND AND NOW ACCEPTABLE? SOME ARE GENETICALLY OFF A LIL, OR MENTALLY ILL? YES but that does not mean they are bad people. They can be good people, wonderful artists, lawyers, doctors or whatever, they can have amazing talents and good hearts. But most americans have fallen for the propaganda and somehow convince themselves that what they once considered abnormal, or not natural, natural. I was on this face book post and sooooo many was saying that a man could birth a baby(that whom is a transsexual, and got they sex changed to a woman) then said that he is a real woman. I personally think many homosexuals have some deep seeded issues with themselves and are very sensitive, you cant say they lifestyle is unnormal, you cant make a joke about them, or even any talk about them that isnt fitting their twisted reality and truth in their head they immediately get on the defensive! i have witness that so much with gay men and women like you cant say nothing about they lifestyle or them but its ok for their lifestyles to be plastered all over the damn t.v. screen. But i was telling these people if they can really convince yall this shit is normal and ok, im sure they can convince yall the same with pedophilia. all you gotta do is implement guilt/shame to people who find it wrong, and plastered that shit all over t.v. until the mind rationalizes it as normal, get all these campaigns going and all just like they did with homosexuals! They gone to make a whole team to convince americans pedophilia is normal! lol
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/dsm-pedophilia-mental-disorder-paraphilia_n_4184878.html
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but they dont hear AmericanaOya though......
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/dsm-pedophilia-mental-disorder-paraphilia_n_4184878.html
but they dont hear AmericanaOya though......
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Blacks dont get it..............
whites do not get respect from other nations because they were the best humanitarian......but negroes dont hear me though....they like to pretend they are the innocent or perfect race......just cause your a victim of white supremacy, and a conquered race does not mean you are good or innocent, you can be just a fucked up as the people who rule you. Whites were once the underdogs and the slaves so your point? but they dont hear me though......
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NOT noticing your reflection. Mirrored Image
Im definately going to call this out in a jokingly manner tommorow........ cause these hoes need to be told about themselves.
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Oya in me
I must say ever since i have choosen oya, seems like oya has choosen me because I feel very different every since then. I notice I become more strong in my approaches, and a bit more meaner.....its hard to explain but thats what it seems like to me lol. But dont mind me im just talking crazy lol it was just a thought, i have been wondering forever.
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Whats in the mind of trangenders?
Since everybody seems to like talking about this a lot, and I see this topic a lot I guess I will blog about my that here. I wonder will an unbiased scientist, and psychologist who specialize in the study of the brain PLEASE study the mind of a transgender, and compare their brains to that of heterosexuals? Im serious cause when I see stuff like this it makes me curious..... about the mind of a transgender......I want to understand it! I want to be able to see out of the lens of transgender people.
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questions: How do you guys sincerely feel about this picture, and its message? be honest, there is no judgement here, your deepest thoughts could come out on the comment section and judge I will not, but study I will LOL.
second question: How would you respond to this message? and how does effect your view about the thought processes of transgenders?
in closing I would personally respect them for want to be called a transgender(since that I what they are), but on a serious note, transgender is the same as saying im man, who is playing a woman...that's not to much difference from calling them what they really are a MAN! so I don't understand, but I guess transgender carries a less negative shock reaction then calling them a man. Meaning...if I call a this (now woman) a man, people will have a harsher reaction, to if I called him a transgender, transgender is much prettier. On a side not though, why are men the faces of homosexuality and transgenderhood, like women homosexuals, and transgenders don't exist, what is the big sensationalism and obsession with male gayism, its the male version of lesbianism WHATS THE BIG PROBLEM!!!! and why do homosexual women get ignored a lot when there is talk about homosexuality, and gay parades, its like males are mainly at the forefront! lol
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can someone tell me what economic benefit is there for ACTUAL black people, to cosign the one drop rule?
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The Longer i live, the more i am confused about this paradigm, and color census
its too many different stories or change on stories in history, i seriously dont know what to believe, unless they are the elders in the community of that culture, i dont really trust any source that comes from it concerning african history, and african inventions. But i am starting to find black people not too different from whites, both try to make themselves sound innocent or angelic like, while they both do brutal shit, both are obsessed with this god like mentality, and both are obsessed with each other, accept blacks dont study whites as much they are not seen much of a threat as much as whites see blacks as a threat. both groups have made racially insensitive remarks too each other(but whites take they shit to a whole new level.....kkk anyone?) people talk about police brutality, but in black countries its the same deal with black faces. both races like to blame their troubles on each other, or use each other as a scapegoat, instead of take self responsibility, and both are biased, both like the feel good mantras not the unbiased truth...but then my question would be what is the unbiased truth? whats the real story? sometimes im honestly tired of the history talk, what about today, whats the construction today, whats the progress today? whats the new tactics? how are you going to bring another egypt, timbuktu, and other great african kingdoms into the now? when will blacks be a super power? if as much energy was put into our evolution then figuring out history, which will always be biased, and never the whole truth we would actually get somewhere. there is nothing wrong with having ancient figurines, but by what standards will you make that will make african heroines worth mentioning or being the forefront of the african race, the symbols? but i just find this all interesting and too many unansswered questions for me. History is starting to be like the bible to me lol, somethinig imma stop reading LOL.........i want to focus on what i kno from what i see, and get down to the nitty gritty behind what i see. and question to all blacks, why is everything about race to you? what if it is much deeper then race? what if its not your color but actually what you sit on (land called africa, gold mine to the world)? what if you could change your circumstance, and get on top by switching up your politics? by owning yo shit and yo culture? by gaining major power? what if the racial heirarcy system, is really power based heirarchy, and can actually be changed dependent upon who is in power?
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Insomnia, Something is heavy on my Mind
I have been finding it hard to sleep lately, im tired of the bipolar-ism, i have extremities in emotions concerning my baby daddy. I am starting to believe its these pregnancy hormones, cause its so unlike me. One moment i feel extremely enraged with my baby daddy, i just want to punch him (lol LORT). The the next moment im just madly in love with him and just want to be held by him. I know he thinks im probably going crazy, which i probably am. But im struggling with getting over him how many nights of insomnia? how many nights and days of thinking about him? Feeling ashamed of how maybe i have been hoodwinked, and sold an illusion. Maybe we as a couple never existed, it was all just a big illusion built on a lie. I will never understand why men can never just be honest. I do not understand what i ever do to deserve being lied to, i do not understand what i am doing that is wrong, i do not pressure men, but i do like to know CLEARLY where we stand. I do not like a guy who claims he wants to be friends, but really trying to be more than, or just trying to be friends solemly for sec, like i just hate the damn phoniness. I need CLARITY,signed-the American Oya
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Coping With Internal emotions
As a gemini woman, i do feel that geminis brush over their emotions alot, like how an artists strokes with a broad brush, and then moves on to the next creations. I think for 2015 I want to actively deal with my
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deep seeded emotions that way i can understand me better, will i have some contradictions, and confusing readings? OF COURSE, i am dual natured LOL....but i do want to understand, cope with and deal with my internal emotions so i can understand myself even more, and look back and see why do certain things bother me, or compel me that the average person might see as good, or the inverse taboo. I will try to blog about every emotion i am feeling about a topic. Any question i have usually beginning with a why, i will also answer once I get to an conclusion. But I am quite frankily tired of overthinking, and explaining my complexity, so maybe dealing with all my inner emotions will give me a clear head for 2015. You might catch a pattern about me lol, flaws, unlikeable traits and likeable traits but its something i feel i need to do. I am going to also discuss my Inner insecurities and all.![]()
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deep seeded emotions that way i can understand me better, will i have some contradictions, and confusing readings? OF COURSE, i am dual natured LOL....but i do want to understand, cope with and deal with my internal emotions so i can understand myself even more, and look back and see why do certain things bother me, or compel me that the average person might see as good, or the inverse taboo. I will try to blog about every emotion i am feeling about a topic. Any question i have usually beginning with a why, i will also answer once I get to an conclusion. But I am quite frankily tired of overthinking, and explaining my complexity, so maybe dealing with all my inner emotions will give me a clear head for 2015. You might catch a pattern about me lol, flaws, unlikeable traits and likeable traits but its something i feel i need to do. I am going to also discuss my Inner insecurities and all.
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Tarot Card Reading
So I have been wanting to do a tarot reading for the longest!!! LOL i did it but got bad news that oddly captured my feelings. I got all swords!!!!(HOT DAMN IT), i just knew it was going to be all bad, rough, rough days for me so far lol.
but my past was a queen of swords, present was a 7 of swords and future was a 8 of swords.
but my past was a queen of swords, present was a 7 of swords and future was a 8 of swords.
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| represents quick thinker, organized, perceptive independent |
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| represents: Isolation, self-imposed restriction, imprisonment |
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| betrayal, deception, getting away with something, stealth |
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The Day After
Okay so I am listening to some keri hilson and ciara right now, blogging early in the A.M. I called this lady to hook me with a clerical position that my personal nurse gave to me. I didnt want to put it off, and procrastinate because I have that problem really bad when its usually something boring. Hopefully she calls me back because I dont think I am too cut out for warehouse work, i feel it is too masculine for my little muscles anyways, its too hard on my body.
NEXT CHAPTER
So i grew some guts, and for once called my baby daddy, I had waited until I calmed down, and he calmed down. Plus I just wanted to see if he was going to answer or not (I figured he would, but my other side was like he is not going to pick up). I was itching to call him because I hate when my sleep is disturbed, and everytime I cuddle with him it is strangely very therapeutic for me. I can sleep easy, and all my stress and feelings of depression just melt away. I dont know how it makes him feel, but I know thats how it makes me feel. Im not going to get into details but he went to the he miss me, and love me. I know I should respond with how I really feel, but i dont know, he is confusing to me the only thing i could do his ask him questions and see why he lies(about stupid shit though), and do certain things that irritate my soul!!!!!(or maybe its so intensely irritating because of my pregnancy hormones) All I can do is hope he don not lie when i ask him. I am really not trying to talk about no relationship with him though, I do not think it is healthy for me but its better we just be friends. Sometimes all i need is just utter silence and to be held, with no words on love, or feelings. I think I feel that way, because sometimes words can not capture the essence of the moment, the authenticity and rawness. It is beyond a just a simple adjective. I guess I am learning that when i truly love, it runs deep. Knowing that makes me not want to get into another serious intense relationship, that lets me know im fragile when truly in love, and a little bit too fragile.
NEXT CHAPTER
So i grew some guts, and for once called my baby daddy, I had waited until I calmed down, and he calmed down. Plus I just wanted to see if he was going to answer or not (I figured he would, but my other side was like he is not going to pick up). I was itching to call him because I hate when my sleep is disturbed, and everytime I cuddle with him it is strangely very therapeutic for me. I can sleep easy, and all my stress and feelings of depression just melt away. I dont know how it makes him feel, but I know thats how it makes me feel. Im not going to get into details but he went to the he miss me, and love me. I know I should respond with how I really feel, but i dont know, he is confusing to me the only thing i could do his ask him questions and see why he lies(about stupid shit though), and do certain things that irritate my soul!!!!!(or maybe its so intensely irritating because of my pregnancy hormones) All I can do is hope he don not lie when i ask him. I am really not trying to talk about no relationship with him though, I do not think it is healthy for me but its better we just be friends. Sometimes all i need is just utter silence and to be held, with no words on love, or feelings. I think I feel that way, because sometimes words can not capture the essence of the moment, the authenticity and rawness. It is beyond a just a simple adjective. I guess I am learning that when i truly love, it runs deep. Knowing that makes me not want to get into another serious intense relationship, that lets me know im fragile when truly in love, and a little bit too fragile.
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Blacks and Half Blacks the musical geniuses
I wonder what is the next genre blacks(ESPECIALLY) and mixed folks are going to make? I do know its definately going to have a pop sound, and its most definately going to come from the hoods.... I am not going to discuss it here, but I wonder how can black women make themselves popular again and a hot commodity in the music world....... seems like multi-ethnic women and white women are beginning to wash us out. Also, how can we up the anty in the beauty world since non black women have tooken over the body notoreity we at least had, and the big lips notoreity. Even though in reality the same shit is going to happen over and over again (other races of women are going to follow us, people cosign the shit, and shit on us while praising them, and then people began to have amnesia). KNOWING these facts black women must always be a step ahead and up the anty in the music and beauty world. Thats the only way i see black women staying a hot commodity, and staying popular before multi-ethnic and white women.
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RECOGNIZE GAME-Upcoming Video
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Having a Scorpio Moon
(Here just in case you want to substitute more info.. lol)
Scorpio Moon lives for emotional intensity. They have the ability to see through anyone right to their innermost feelings. This can be disturbing to some people and intriguing for others. They have a need for change and rebirth. Their life may be full of drama and upheaval which they feel is out of their control. But if their life begins to
feel "normal" they are the first one to create some test for someone in their life just to create excitement. Emotional drama fulfills them.
Scorpio Moon wants it all they don't do anything halfway or waste their time with meaningless relationships. They want commitment. They may also expect their partner to give up something for them, although they have a deep fear of betrayal. They may test their partners, even if they don't mean to. They come off as being suspicious, although once they have committed themselves to a partner; they are extremely loyal and protective.
Scorpio Moon has a great presence, even when they are shy. They need to spend a lot of time learning to control their emotions. They are very intuitive, but they may be inclined to use it for their own gains. They are passionate and fearless. Those with a Moon in Scorpio in their charts are excellent astrologers, or they may just have a strong interest in the occult and the unusual. They make good psychologists because they are good at understanding the intricacies of the mind.
Moon Sign Scorpio can be intimidating and are difficult to scare or shock. They have the ability to size up a person or a situation in a matter of seconds. Their powers can be used for good or evil, as the saying goes and many times it depends on how they were raised as children. Those who were manipulated or deprived will not open up to others, while those raised in a nurturing environment will most likely be mild-tempered and easy to get along with. They can be jealous, possessive and self-indulgent. They can also be rather destructive, both to themselves and others. On the good side, they can be vulnerable, intelligent and ambitious.
Scorpio Moon is tenacious, and once they want something, they are like the dog that won't let go. Their stubbornness can stand in their own way at times, or it can help them overcome bad habits. They tend to be emotional, materialistic, sensual and secretive. They are also very creative. Their fighting spirit is strong and it is difficult for them to admit defeat. They can be fiercely competitive, especially with those of their own sex. With the opposite sex, they can often be wrapped around the other person's little finger, wanting to indulge that person's every whim. They could use a little balance in their life in this area.
Charismatic, Scorpio Moon attracts many, and must exercise caution so they are not tempted into multiple relationships. They don't like to be criticized. They are seldom mainstream in their ideals and don't always conform to all of society's rules.
Scorpio Moon lives for emotional intensity. They have the ability to see through anyone right to their innermost feelings. This can be disturbing to some people and intriguing for others. They have a need for change and rebirth. Their life may be full of drama and upheaval which they feel is out of their control. But if their life begins to
feel "normal" they are the first one to create some test for someone in their life just to create excitement. Emotional drama fulfills them.
Scorpio Moon wants it all they don't do anything halfway or waste their time with meaningless relationships. They want commitment. They may also expect their partner to give up something for them, although they have a deep fear of betrayal. They may test their partners, even if they don't mean to. They come off as being suspicious, although once they have committed themselves to a partner; they are extremely loyal and protective.
Scorpio Moon has a great presence, even when they are shy. They need to spend a lot of time learning to control their emotions. They are very intuitive, but they may be inclined to use it for their own gains. They are passionate and fearless. Those with a Moon in Scorpio in their charts are excellent astrologers, or they may just have a strong interest in the occult and the unusual. They make good psychologists because they are good at understanding the intricacies of the mind.
Moon Sign Scorpio can be intimidating and are difficult to scare or shock. They have the ability to size up a person or a situation in a matter of seconds. Their powers can be used for good or evil, as the saying goes and many times it depends on how they were raised as children. Those who were manipulated or deprived will not open up to others, while those raised in a nurturing environment will most likely be mild-tempered and easy to get along with. They can be jealous, possessive and self-indulgent. They can also be rather destructive, both to themselves and others. On the good side, they can be vulnerable, intelligent and ambitious.
Scorpio Moon is tenacious, and once they want something, they are like the dog that won't let go. Their stubbornness can stand in their own way at times, or it can help them overcome bad habits. They tend to be emotional, materialistic, sensual and secretive. They are also very creative. Their fighting spirit is strong and it is difficult for them to admit defeat. They can be fiercely competitive, especially with those of their own sex. With the opposite sex, they can often be wrapped around the other person's little finger, wanting to indulge that person's every whim. They could use a little balance in their life in this area.
Charismatic, Scorpio Moon attracts many, and must exercise caution so they are not tempted into multiple relationships. They don't like to be criticized. They are seldom mainstream in their ideals and don't always conform to all of society's rules.
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More Pages to Explore .....
